After the Mass

Notice: Reredos & Ambo, publishers of such standards as Willdon's A Priestman's Way: Essays in Honor of the Author and The Priestman's Prayer Book, are pleased to announced the publication of Songs for Altar Guilds and Other Parish Gatherings by Frau Pastor Höflich, author of the Etymological Thesaurus for Altar Guilds. Fans of the Thesaurus' wit and wisdom will be delighted that Frau Pastor Höflich has now turned her considerable talents to verse. We offer this sample of the volume's many charms.

After the Mass Was Over
text: (c) Frau Pastor Höflich
tune: After the Ball

After the Mass was over,

Fritz¹⁾ doffed his chasuble,

Loosened his cincture and breathed free,

Screwed in his monocle;

Traded his stole for his derby,

Shuffled to Bible class.

He wished he could leave on his cassock

After the Mass.

--
1) "Fritz" is used of Fort Wayne graduates in the same way that "Charlie" was used for the Viet Cong and "Jerry" for the Krauts. The corresponding term for St. Louis graduates is "Chip."

Krushchevmanship

It's a long row to hoe, this ministry bit. No parish is perfect - and heaven knows, no priestman is. You really do need to love the people - and loving them means bringing them into better practice. And that means patience - accented, of course, with the art of priestmanship.

So when the times are rough, when you look round that church meeting table and things aren't going your way, one must keep in mind Krushchevmanship, also known as Nikita's Gift.

Fr. Hollywood mentioned many of the benefits of Krushchevmanship a while back. But one he left out was the flood of inner peace that can come into the heart of a priestman when he looks around at that semi-hostile meeting and says with a still small voice, "I will bury you. I will sing all your Requiem Masses. I'm here for the long haul. It may take me a decade, but the chalice/individual absolution/weekly communion you shall have. You deserve it, even if you don't think you want it right now, it is your baptismal right - so you shall have it. For I will bury you all. I will teach and confirm new generations and faithfully pastor you right into the grave. Deo volente, of course, and what what. Tally-ho."

The cheeky priestman may even find some benefit in gently and wryly pointing this out to folks from time to time. Though actually removing the shoe is not recommended.

Perspective, dear priestmen: that is Nikita's Gift.

The Priestman

Pila's Post Mortem

The latest edition of Priestman's Quarterly (AUC 2761.Jn.1) is out of the barn and we are quite pleased with another superaltive issue. The feature article, by Fr. T. B. Pila (P1C), tackles the perennial question, "When life hands you gravestones, how do you make chasubles?" For the benefit of those who do not yet subscribe, we offer a sample article from PQ, "Pila's Post Mortem."

The Priestman

--

Pila's Post Mortem

Fr. T. B. Pila, P1C

Rector, St. Saul's, Champs-de-Fleuve, IN

PQ (AUC 2761.Jn.1):3-10

Every priestman will have to mourn the passing of beloved saints into glory. If the dearly departed happen to be related to him by blood, such deaths can be rejoiced in not only for reasons outlined by St. Paul in Philippians 1, but also for the advancement of the art of priestmanship.

The average Missourian¹ congregation is filled with loads of things given in memory of those who have departed in the faith; oftentimes with nice plaques or engravings that remind all souls of the good works of the family who donated the items. The priestman will have to hone all his skills and powers before he can attempt to remove the offensive items; flags (Methodist Sunday School and American), trays for the Dixie chalices² at the Mass, psychedelic Nixon era paraments and banners, electric candelabra and sanctuary lamps, plastic altar flowers and the like. However, the death of a priestman's relation can be used to his advantage, just as it has been by those unfortunates who pine for the days of listening to WAM over the wireless and receiving the Sacrament at the Reformer-sanctioned rate of four times a year.³

^{Electric Light Chalice: In Memoriam Gladys Neugehastle, 1972. RIP}

At the death of the priestman’s loved one, it should be noted that memorial gifts may be directed to the priestman’s parish. When the funds are collected, especially with a substantial contribution by the priestman himself and his family, the priestman moves into action. I present a somewhat detailed outline to be edited and memorized before delivery at a voter's assembly.

“I loved my dad (if serving or raised in the Deep South, “daddy”). He raised me up as a good Lutheran and sacrificed so much so I could become a Pastor. He was such a good man. (Add appropriate details if Dad was: a military veteran, union member, born dirt poor, etc.) It will mean so much to me if every time I do communion I have something to honor his memory. So using the memorial gifts given in memory of dad/daddy I’ve purchased for us…” (Depending on local situation the priestman continues)

a) “…this beautiful ‘common cup’. Some of you older members might remember that when you were a kid a common cup was all people ever used at communion. My dad used the common cup at his church. Now by purchasing one for us I can always feel close to him when I do communion and drink the blood of Christ from it; knowing that he is in heaven with the self-same Jesus. And maybe you can remember your loved ones who died a long time ago when you come to communion and drink from it as well.” The Priestman then mentions the Proper Preface's angels, archangels all the company of heaven etc. and continues below.

b) “…these new “robes” called chasubles, one for every color of the church year. My dad/daddy was a simple man of faith, but he was so proud that I became a pastor. Now every time I do communion, I’ll have this special vestment to wear to remind me of him, and how much he served and gave of himself for me to become a pastor. It will also remind all of us that I am to be your servant in Christ." The priestman will here quote from the vesting prayer about bearing the yoke of Christ and continue below.

“There are some special prayers (rite) from the book (agenda) that goes along with our new hymnal that is used to dedicate it/them. My mom is going to come and visit in a few weeks, so we’ll have the dedication then so that she can be here for that special time."

Thus, beloved and reverend fathers, as the Lord Himself brings life out of death, the wise priestman has enhances the life of the parish through the death of his beloved. The congregation can no more criticize the purchase of such items by the priestman as they could criticize themselves, and he has shown the way by giving without engraving. With the addition of the priestman’s family present for the rite of dedication, every Grandma Schickelgruber will have a tear in her eye and a ready hug for the priestman who loves his mommy and honors his dear old dad with the “new” things in church, while every old Grandpa Schickelgruber sits in the pew wishing that his lousy kids would show as much respect for their elders as this young new pastor.

--St. Monica's Day, AUC 2761

Champs-de-Fleuve, IN

--

1) That is, Ecclesia evangelica-catholica-methodistica, in Maze's Taxonomy of Communions (See PQ 2759.Ag.7)

2) The editors of PQ are, of course, indebted to Frau Pastor Höflich's Etymological Thesaurus for Altar Guild's for this term.

3) A famous lesson every priestman must internalize: minimum requirements soon become maximum results.

Pigeon Hole Sheol

Fr. Petersen is hosting a series of discussions for budding young priestmen on various topics. He gives some good advice especially about filling out PIF and SET forms here.

Our comment on that thread discusses Pigeon Hole Sheol and how to avoid it:

Fr. Petersen is certainly a priestman, but not The Priestman. And this is good priestmanly advice he gives here, as far as it goes.

Fr. Jonco's SET picture with close up of his stole, worn only for such pictures

But to really excel at avoiding Pigeon Hole Sheol, you can follow the example of Fr. Les Jonco who answered his entire PIF and SET forms in rhyming poetry a lá Seuss. The Poetry Ploy will ensure that you will be seen as playful and loving. Also, include a picture of yourself wearing that super-broad stole with all the multi-colored children of the world on it. The doors of all districts will open wide before you.

The Priestman

Follow the Drinking Chalice, Dear Vicar

It's that special time of year, when a young vicar's fancy turns lightly to thoughts of packing the UHaul and getting his first taste of the Big Show. However, as those priestmen who have actually lived through a vicarage can tell you, it's not all old ladies giving you coffee cake and doing the puppet show for VBS. Here are some things that might happen to you, dear vicar:

• Being called upon to sing a solo at a funeral. Amazing Grace, of course. Accompanied - and I am not making this up - by the accordion.

• Confirming with the chalice¹ the son of the chairman of the congregation - who comes to the Table proudly wearing his rainbow gay-pride lapel pin.

• Being called upon to teach third grade for the rest of year when the third grade teacher must suddenly take a leave of absence for a situation involving a closet, a preeschool director, and a commandment that falls between Honor Thy Father and Mother and Thou Shalt Not Steal.

• Leading the Praise Team. In a suit and tie.

• Building the supervisor's new garage.

Of course, the list is endless. See a priestman in your area for more tales.

But we write today to offer encouragement and priestmanly advice for those vicars facing the biggest nightmare of all: being ordered to play priestman and preside at the Consecration². First some don'ts,

• Don't say to your supervisor, "What part of debet non don't you understand?"
  
  

• Don't call your seminary professors for help. If by help you mean actually assisting you out of this tight spot. This they shall not do. Yes, even the good ones. Yes, even him. And him. Yup, him, too. I know what you are thinking, dear vicar, but YES, HIM TOO.
  
  

• Don't just resign.

The way forward, dear vicar, is to use the Discomfiture Gambit. The steps are simple,

• Wear a polo shirt.
  
  

• And kakhis
  
  

• And actual penny loafers with real pennies in them. From your birth year.
  
  

• Go to your first face-to-face with your vicarage episkopos.
  
  

• When the topic comes up say, "Hmm. You know, pastor, I've got to say that I'm a little uncomfortable with being asked to consecrate the elements. I may just be the weaker brother here³ but my home pastor and my practical classes at the seminary hit this point pretty hard⁴. In the back of my the words of our Beloved Synod's confession keep ringing in my ears: no one should administer the sacraments with a regular public call. Since no congregation has called me this that ministry, I'd just feel pretty weird about it."
  
  

• Next will come a raft of objections. The chief one being, "Well, it says you shouldn't be preaching either. . . " No matter what the objections are, keep to your Discomfiture Gambit. Do not be gamed into actual theological debate as in this situation it is completely without benefit.
  
  

• Continue, "Those are all good points, pastor and I'm going to have think about them. But in the meantime, I'm really feeling uncomfortable with this. I know I'm the weaker brother here, but maybe I could ask you to do the following. Could you please consecrate the elements for the shut-ins/the Thursday night service/every other Sunday service a day or two ahead of time, and then I could take those and still read through the service as normal? I know that's asking a lot of you and I know it seems kind of goofy, but it really would make me feel better."
  
  

• Absolutely avoid the word "ordination." Delete it from your vocabulary for this discussion.
  
  
  

In many, if not most, cases, this piece of vicarmanship will work nicely. But not always. What to do then, dear vicar? Why, first, pray. See the Prayers for Vicars section in The Priestman's Prayerbook which includes just three prayers: "For the Parousia," "For a Sudden Death," and a Latin composition by Fr. Carnepanis, "Sic, nunc, oro pro finem temporis, festina!, (homo vivens!). . . "

Second, you'll need to book passage on the Underground Consecration Railroad. Vicars seeking freedom for their consciences will need to follow the drinking chalice to a friendly local priestman who will do what your supervisor will not: consecrate the elements for you to take and distribute. Surreptitiously going behind your supervisor's back? Yes, well, you must learn to put the best construction on things: think of it rather as doing unto others as you would have them do unto you. Still a violation of the Confessions? Indeed: but carrying the sacrament across the street is less of a violation than holding up a mere piece of bread in front of someone and saying, "The Body of Christ" thus inviting material idolatry.⁵

So good luck, vicars. If the Discomfiture Gambit fails you, drop a line to priestmanship at gmail dot com and we'll do our best to get you on the railroad.

The Priestman
---

1) These days such an infraction of our Confessions will only get you an AC XIV Yellow Card. See below.

2) AC XIV Yellow Card : Vicar Consecrating :: A tie (kissing your sister) : Certain recent events in Österreich.

3) Yes, the Discomfiture Gambit is a variation of the Weaker Brother Gambit, see below in
Winkelmanship. You might as well start your training now, dear vicar.

4) This statement may only be true for you in a Jesuitical sense, given that within the statement
itself you have not defined "this point."

5) Some of the Waltherian brethren would accuse us of crypto-Romanism for denying a layman the ability to confect the sacrament. To which we respond: What's crypto about it? See the conclusion to Part I of the AC.

11 times 3 (It's a magic number)

Yes it is. It's a magic number. Somewhere in that ancient, mystic Trinity, there is three. Then take that times the 11 disciples who did not betray Him, and there you have the 33 calls that the seminaries were short.

Now, do recall that the original contest was just to name the total number. The division between the seminaries was just a tie breaker.

So the winner is. . .

Fr. David Petersen who nailed it with 33. We know just where to find him and his prize will be sent off in a day or two, or several.

Fr. Petersen is also uncharacteristically optimistic about their chances of finding calls by Holy Cross day. As the Calvinists say, on vera. . .

The Priestman

PS: The Priestman observes Sola Scriptura, so we're going by the numbers posted on the seminaries' websites for "calls pending." Rumor has it that the number spoken aloud at last night's festivities was 18 at CSL and 13 at CTSFW. "Mr. Fabulous" guessed this exact distribution, but alas, that's just verbal tradition and we hold on to that Sola Scriptura pretty tightly 'round these parts.

First Ever Priestmanship Contest

Mendicant Priest: Coming Soon to a Seminary Near You

In our last episode, we noted the efforts of one District President to give the world a bit of a heads up about the appropriateness of scare quotes in our jurisdiction's clergy "shortage." On March 27, he reported that the seminaries were 105 calls short, that is, about 20 cards short of a deck, 3 short of running on all 8 cylinders, an amice and maniple short of been fully vested, etc.

Thus the definition of clergy glut in The Priestman's Dictionary by Fr. B. Ambrose: "when the workers are many and the harvest has been set ablaze."

Speaking with other priestmen in the know, we've determined that the gap is closing. But how quickly can it close? Old Bill's birthday looms large on the horizon - will April 23 show Love's Labor Lost or All's Well That Ends Well?

One priestman on the inside, a Suomi named Fr. Guttur Profundum, says that perhaps the seminaries will be able to "pull the rabbit out of the hat" again this year. Others close to the source, like our dear Fr. Kumbaya, are banking on high double digits.

So here's the contest, dear priestmen. On April 23 when all the wailing and gnashing of teeth is done, how many calls short will the two seminaries be? Leave your answer in the comments.

Tie Breaker: Give the shortages for each seminary separately.
Second Tie Breaker: How many vicarages short.

And be sure to show your work. As any priestman knows, being right is only half the battle. Give us your Biblical reasoning for why the number you give is, of course, correct.

Once the winner is announced, if he will leave his email address in the comments, he will receive a message from this priestman on how to collect his Fabulous Prize.

The Priestman